Emotion surprises you when you least expect it…. it's not the important events like Christmas but the everyday events when you want to pick up the phone and chat or experience something you want to share with someone you love…. someone who loves you.
The shower and the car seem to be the place that emotion takes hold….. the time when things slow down just enough to allow you to feel the loss…..
The first month home was a blur… a true recovery period…just allowing myself to just "BE". Truly, for me, I was going through the motions of "life" without really remembering them.
Distractions like the Christmas holiday really were a blessing to force me to focus on the season….. and not on my loss….
The quiet of January…. the snow… the calm, really brought clarity that I really needed to stop avoiding "life" and truly immerse myself back in it. I'm not sure if this is a seasonal thing or a process thing…. but I'm sure everyone who is grieving a loss feels this at some point.
Strangely…. I felt comfort… when I realized that the pumpkin that Mom had purchased… and was in the back of her car in October, ready to be displayed for Halloween, was still very much perfect… and sitting in my house. I had given it to my family to take back to New Jersey to decorate with since I was not around to create a festive atmosphere for the holiday…. and here it sits in my house… five months later… PERFECT.
I put a tiara on it.. I fondly call it "her". "She" is still as perfect as the day my family took it home….. it has been the Halloween pumpkin, Thanksgiving pumpkin, Christmas pumpkin, Valentine's pumpkin, St. Patricks Day pumpkin and is almost… the Easter pumpkin…..
I'm not sure why it has stayed preserved but I'd like to think that Mom is still with us….
I'll share more details later, but I am convinced Mom is trying to let me know she's here! I wonder how long this pumpkin will be preserved…..
